|Stuff, Junk, Things (written May 6, 2010)
||[Dec. 9th, 2010|09:20 pm]
I know, I know. I haven't posted a blog in about 6 months. And I haven't posted anything worth reading in almost a year. I think I'm just blocked or generally unmotivated to do my usual emo whining about things.
I don't blame Facebook for it, though. For some odd reason, I can't bring myself to do long-form blogging over there like I do here. It's not like you people don't know who I am, but I think I just feel more comfortable with the pretense of anonymity than being able to express my opinion under my actual name where there's no denying that I wrote this. Not to mention that I have 25 friends over here and I'm pushing 100 on Facebook...
...and half of them don't know me in the same way the other half does.
A couple of days ago, I discovered that I had a pretty solid grasp on who I was when I was in college. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to go as far as saying that I fucking LOVED myself and every inch of my fat ass. I knew I was smart, even when I sat there learning new things at every turn.
Then I graduated, and I've slowly gone downhill. As I realized that being smart has fuck-all to do with getting a job, I got more bitter and cynical. Considering I don't hide my emotions well AT ALL, I'm sure that this was quite off-putting to the rare interviewer that I happened to face.
It's really hard to fake confidence when what it was like to actually have it.
So, for those of you who haven't heard, my job will be up in mid-July. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I pay half of the bills in this house, and my aunt is barely coming up with her half as it is.
The way I see it, I have to leave unless a miracle happens between now and August 1st. (I mean, I have an interview Saturday, but it's just an interview.) And by leave, I mean, I have to move back to Minden....to my house....with my other elderly aunt.
At least there's no rent to pay, and we only have basic cable. On the other hand, I still have to get a job, but I can't tell who the hell is actually hiring in Minden. That's most of the reason I moved out to Houston, the classified ads are absolutely no help there. Maybe Careerbuilder and its ilk can actually be useful instead of a fucking dumping ground for scams, headhunters, and spambots.
Then there's dealing with my dad. It's not that there's been a problem so far...at least not since that time in college where he yelled at me for being 5 minutes late when he picked me up. I just feel like I've disappointed him, and to an extent, my mom. At least she had a vague clue of how much I suck at things, he didn't outside of my driving.
I mean, I'm turning 30 this year, fer chrissakes. 30! What the fuck was I supposed to be doing now? I was going to be an assistant buyer for a store by now, and planning to buy a house in the next 5 years. Instead, I'm trying to just keep a damn roof over my head, period. Hell, last year when I turned 29, I was going to get a tattoo and spend the days between my birthday and Labor Day traveling between here, Minden/Shreveport, Baton Rouge, and Atlanta. Now I can't even afford a bus ticket to my niece's graduation at the end of the month.
Everyone thinks I should just ask my dad for money, but they don't really understand that not wanting to ask him IS NOT A PRIDE ISSUE! ( See two paragraphs up.) My family thinks my dad is rich/well-off, so they expect me to just treat him like a damn ATM whenever I need something. It's not a matter of him having the money(he does), it's a matter of it driving home the point that his daughter has made absolutely nothing of herself after 6 years of college and another 6 years in the "real world" when I'm so obviously filled with so much potential.
Everyone has fucking potential. All that word means is the possibility of something happening that probably won't.